When I first decided to create this web site it was to be just meant for me. I was attempting to create a timeline of my life. I wanted to construct a visual aid to help me understand how I had come to such a dark time in my life and to assess if there remained anything that could do to change that fate. Also I thought that maybe I could explain to whoever delivered this darkness, who I was and what about my life was worth saving.
I started to create this site in the fall of 2003. At that time everything that had been important to me had been taken from my life. All of the light that I had created or shared with other people had been eclipsed by a damnation that had resulted from some person's/people's ideas that I had done nothing positive with my life and that I had taken something from their life and other's lives that I did not deserve and that I had done something to profoundly offend them and other people. What ever this was, they refused to share with me what they saw or believed about me.. All that I knew was that I had been exiled into this darkness in 1996 and that not only had I lost my past but I was prevented from recreating any life that could be considered livable.
Once I started to create the site the creative element in its construction inspired me, rekindling a light in my soul and making me remember all of the joys that had me thankful that I had been alive. Mainly this included the family that I created or had brought into this world. Unfortunately , many of those moments have to be edited from this site due to someone's belief that I have no right to even remember that past. fortunately, I still feel free enough to include my daughter Soledad into this website. And she has been the true joy of my life. She is the cache of innocence that God allotted me that gives me permission to get into heaven. And because of her.. I have known the true essence of God and have known heaven on earth. No preacher has ever told me more about God than any moment of her life, especially in the first years of their life.
Anyhow, once I started to create this... 'timeline'... the energy continued to revive in me the life's essence that I had forgotten. I realized that I had been living as a zombie since 1996. I had totally forgotten what it was to even breathe let alone to feel life. Only my connection with Sole' kept me alive and even that was painful because she needed me then more than ever but I could not help her because whoever had damned my life made sure that I could not be helpful to anyone, especially myself. They made even going to church difficult. ( I have to also include that much of my soul/life revival happened as a result of having found and becoming religiously rapt in pastor Joe Toomey and the Gospel Alliance church. Besides 'my family'..,he and his/our church are the only awareness that have ever brought me to spiritually truly know God's essence.
When I first started to create this site I spent a lot of time writing about the horrifically malicious pernicious ultra- human rights violating damnation that has been brought into my life, and hoped to petition someone to relieve me of this horrific destruction. However I stopped writing about the negativity for 2 main reasons: 1.) because when I wrote about anything that was being done to me the result of my posting /airing that information was, that as a way to shut me up, the pain and damnation were increased in severity. 2.) because what ever moments I did have I did not want to give any more of their essence to this damnation but decided to instead dedicate what I could squeeze out that was good to thank the Lord for my life and to celebrate him and all of the good moments of my life.. and especially my daughter Soledad.
Still , I would like to apologize OR at least explain to anyone that visits this site, if they find my wording or the other decorative additions to the site to be be digression/distraction from the reason that I originally started to create the site, or if it seems to diminish the value of what I have stated has happened to me, my answer is that, as I said, this site originally was for me to try to understand what had happened, and as time passed since I started to create this site, it became increasingly clear that my petitions were only being heard by those that had brought this wrath into my life and that to publicize it was only creating further reason for more painful wrath to be exacted against me. and I also seemed to only get any relief by remembering the good things that had made up my life before this moment. I am continually trying to celebrate these moments by using any of the creative energy that they revive in my remembering them to create as strong of an artistic expression as their essence and what ever tools or art medium that were/are available to me, to the extent of what I and this severely compromised moment can afford.
With all the bells and whistles that I have added to this site, I have also added sound files or music. I have been recently chastised by James H. Graf, who at the least, I trust for his intellectual clarity in the arts, for having music that automatically plays when you enter a site. He said that a lot of people were offended by music playing in the background when they visited a site. I have also read that before in some articles that had to do with Internet etiquette. However, I have also seen a trend at the "flash" created site to contain some sound files so maybe the tolerance to sound has shifted towards its acceptance.
Never-the-less, as I said, the site was created for me and for anyone that was close enough to me to not only tolerate the sound but to actually enhance the connection that they experience while absorbing any of the information on the pages. My intention had changed from trying to petition help to actually trying to provide whoever came to my site with the quality of me that I value more than almost anything, and that is to enhance the lives of the people that I encounter with positive feelings, ( even if they are sad or if the information that I am providing is sad), rather than disturbing them, even if I need the help.
However...... SINCE... James' rebuff I have opted to try to offer 3 versions of the website based on the sound file or the lack of them at the site. The 3 offered would be 1.) no sound at least at most of the pages. 2. midi files that contain music in a very electronically limited format but allow the pages to load quickly which is why I offer them. and finally, 3. mp3 music files that though aren't the best sounding format, have become acceptable to most peaple.
In any case.. if possible. if you are here,, and you have the time or a fast Internet connection please try to visit the pages that have the mp3 files. I have carefully chosen every musical piece based on how it intrinsically enhanced the essence of that page. If the music has words the words were carefully chosen to add some expression that enhances whatever else I put into that page. Something like.. when a song that you hear evokes a memory of some event in your life so completely that you relive it with the music as integral to the that moment. My only wish is that somehow you going there would preserve the true goodness that I believe is the true essence of my life before this horrific confusing prejudice destroyed my life. Even if this sentence is not lifted until I die, I pray to God and petition you to remember me as a healer and to pass this on to whoever chooses to remember me as their family or friend.
Heart and Soul...
....Enter this site through one of the above choices/buttons. The site was designed to be heard with the mp3s that are on the sites pages, however, in order to hear them , especially with a dial up connection. it takes a bit longer for them to load. The midis don't take long but they don't do the pages justice. Each song on each page took a special moment to hear what my heart felt needed to be there with the content. In any case.. please choose one of the above choices to enter the site. Thaak you for being nice enough to check out this site.. :-)